Last week, full of enthusiasm and renewed vigour, I downloaded all the apps and started my search for a wedding boyfriend. I swiped my little heart out and after three hours and the muscle cramps in my hand that told me early onset RSI was setting in, I had accrued at least seven matches. I was ON A ROLL. I was Adele, rolling in the deep…I was Fred Durst in that bloody convertible.
Early jubilation quickly turned to absolute despair, as I realised I had made a huge error in my swiping. For the record, if the front photo is in black and white, say no. If they are wearing hat, say no. If they have sunglasses on, they have a bonk eye.
Bumble, it turns out, has the superior calibre of men, but because the lady has to start the conversation first, I had to try out some different techniques. The one I’ve settled on is just writing the persons name in capitals with 2 exclamation marks. In case you cant’t picture this, it looks like this: WAYNE!! Overall, this has been a fairly poor strategy, but it’s low in energy input and I’m strongly of the opinion that if my future beloved doesn’t get this wonderful declaration of love, then they aren’t the man for me. No sir-ree.
(For the record, as I write this, my college is performing a magnificent rendition of Michael Jackson ‘Man in the Mirror’ in Latin. I’m quite worried for my sanity)
Quite simply, my strategy isn’t working. I’m like Ed Balls trying to do the Rumba, but without the charming ‘Britishness’.
Here’s my new plan. If someone can set me up with someone that I go on three dates with, I’ll buy them a bottle of champagne. I’m going to P-diddy my way through this.
I also thought it may be a vague entertainment to try out one of those lists which give you ten ways to meet a man quickly in London. I’ve just googled one and here are the suggestions:
10. Men’s Clothing Store
9. Interstate Train
8. Online Dating Sites
7. At the Gym
6. The Apple Store
5. Select Supermarkets
4. Annual Events
2. An Educational Setting
1. A Volunteer Project
Now, I haven’t tried any of these yet but, just using my knowledge of life, I foresee some issues. But, in the interest of content, entertainment and desperation, I’m going to give these a go…